We need to start drug testing the recipients of corporate welfare money.
Florida Governor Republican Rick Scott has signed legislation requiring poor welfare recipients to undergo drug testing. (And I can’t imagine how the requirement that the citizens front the money for the test is unfair as it’s common knowledge that welfare applicants generally have a good amount of cash just lying around and it in no way would be a burden. So they and their kids don’t eat for a few days, that is true American sacrifice.)
But the real downfall of the legislation is that it just doesn’t go far enough.
Scott had previously instituted an executive order requiring the random drug testing of state employees, which has since been suspended following suits questioning the Constitutionality of the measure.
And we applaud Scott for this fiscal conservative measure. Nothing says smaller government and fiscal responsibility like government drug testing and a law that will costs Florida taxpayers millions of dollars in legal fees, not counting the costs of the tests.
If ever we’re to right the moral turpitude that has too long been cut under by the drug addled behavior of welfare recipients, we need drug testing across the board.
Learning to read Cat in the Hat in a public school? Well, you’ve also got time to learn choices have consequences. I don’t care if they’re 5 years old. Kids grow up so quickly these days and kindergartners love the concept of chasing the dragon.
You see, the issue with the law is that it just doesn’t go far enough. But let’s take this decision to it’s logical conclusion: we drug test the officers of any company receiving subsidies or bailout money.
Received bank bailout money? Piss in this cup, my man.
A member of the Walton family, owners of Walmart and recipients of BILLIONS of dollars via corporate welfare: let’s see what kind of recreation billions of dollars offers by taking a look at a hair follicle.
You’re telling me an executive officer of Exxon, recipient of BILLIONS in corporate welfare, isn’t flying with the white witch as he rails lines off a hooker’s ass in a Miami hotel room?
You want to know how I know that corporate welfare executives are just as likely to do drugs as some one down on their luck and in need of a little help:
In the plain language of human history, we are fucked up as a being. Blessed and cursed with the ability to track our trajectory of life, we’re able to measure our own failures. And remember it. And driven by a desire, a need to escape reality.
Make no mistake. It is embedded in the DNA, the consciousness,and the history of humanity to seek some form mental escape via altered reality.
As such, we propose:
1) “Want some tacos? Not so fast!” A breathalyzer at every fast food drive-thru that has benefited from tax-payer money. As all restaurants are adjacent to roads funded by public money, this will be every Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonald’s. We all know these foods are really only enjoyable when you’re drunk and/or stoned.
2) “Looks like we got ourselves a reader!” Thinking of reading for free, surfing the internet, at your local library: Time to pony up some urine.
3) “You’re in my world now, Grandma. And my world’s drug-free.” Mailing a birthday card to your grandson. We’re gonna need a drug test. We all know that the only thing grandparents love more than their grandkids is the sweet freedom of retirement supported by Social Security and a constant supply of Pineapple Trainwreck before playing Bridge. It’s time to make sure all the retired stoners buying stamps prove their patriotic valor.
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“When did mediocrity and banality become a goal for our children.”–Bill Hicks
